Processing the pandemic, and its affects on our lives, I’ve found to be a very personal experience. I’ve tried to talk about it to friends, or to family, and I often come away feeling unheard or unseen. Reading articles does little to help either, which vacillate wildly from folks finding new hobbies and creative outlets to folks binge watching double digit seasons of shows. I can relate to none of this.
I’ve been extremely privileged during 2020 (as I have been all my life). Not only did I keep my job, but early in the pandemic I got a new one. Our family has been healthy. We are able to pay for childcare. We have the means to secure technology and internet connection for all four of us to effectively work and school from home. We have many privileges that most do not.
And yet, this year is the hardest I’ve ever experienced. I have been and continue to be overwhelmed with the magnitude of what needs to get done. My new job comes with much stress, a growing team of 19 so far, only two of which I’ve ever met in person. And hundreds of new faces filled my year - and an average of seven hours of meetings fills each day. It’s rare I have even 20 minutes for lunch. Balancing this responsibility and stress with the gratitude of having a job takes up too much brain space.
But more than usual, everything is a blessing and curse wrapped up into one. The ability to hire a nanny means navigating an employer/employee relationship in your home, and all the intricacies and awkwardness of introducing a person to your daily “pandemic life”. Taking on that exposure risk for childcare meant that we didn’t see anyone else, friends or family, in order to minimize their potential exposure. Being able to work from home meant never not being at work. I’ve worked the longest hours ever in my life.
And of course all this on top of the “normal” fighting for social justice, and championing women and girls, and doing our part to preserve the environment. Not to mention attempting to keep our kiddos growing healthy and strong, mentally and socially.
So when folks talk about this year as having had a chance to hit a reset button, or having the time to reflect on what was really important, or finding their true priorities because they spent more time with their families, I cannot relate. And I say that with more than a hint of jealousy. I’d love to have had that time. I’m looking forward to when I’ll be able to process all that has happened in these past 15 months. But right now, I’m still down here, growing weary of treading water.
I’m not sure when I’ll be able to breathe easy - if someone will come along with a life vest, or I’m going to have to figure out where to swim. I’m waiting for the waves to calm down so I can figure it out.